Ho! Effing Ho!
by tigertales
Summary: A special wizard gives Hermione a little Christmas cheer and paves the way for romance. Rates "M" for language.


**AN: Just something I cooked up. Hope you enjoy.**

 **HO! EFFING! HO!**

He sat in the darkest, farthest corner from the door.

Back to the wall.

He liked the feeling of security it gave him. It didn't used to be that way. He could remember a time when the mere sight of him brought smiles to all ages.

Not any more.

He had to be more cautious. More careful.

It didn't stop him from doing his duty and it didn't stop him from loving what he did or who he did it for. He was just a wee bit more on guard. More stealthy.

The wars had done that to him. World War One and Two, Grindlewald and Voldemort. All lumped together made for a more circumspect and thoughtful wizard.

Adjusting his thick red fur coat, he let his wizened gaze fall over the patrons of his friend Aberforth's establishment. The place was packed full of thirsty drinkers who were all trying just a little too hard to have a good time. This time of the year tended to have that effect on some people.

Loud music played from a ratty looking magical jukebox next to the bar. Smoke from wizards tobacco was thick in the air. An occasional bit of conversation floated in his direction. Overall the atmosphere was perfect for someone wanting to people watch, drink and forget. Or in his case just unwind from having finished up his work for this year.

Watching the proprietor of the Hogs Head go about his work of keeping everyone well oiled brought a wistful smile that quirked up one side of his rounded face. He thought of Aberforth and his brother Albus.

He remembered visiting the brothers in Godric's Hollow one Christmas years ago. Those two had never seen eye to eye and that particular Christmas was worse than any before. The youngest Dumbledore had tried her best to intercede, but alas her older brothers were unreachable.

Albus had become enamoured with the handsome Gellert Grindlewald completely blinding himself to the blonde man's obvious shortcomings. Flaws Aberforth was only too happy to point out.

Loudly.

It had taken all of the older wizards reasoning skills to get the brothers to step back and have a good think. Not that it made a bit of difference in the end. Albus rose to power, Aberforth became a near hermit and Arianna had paid the highest price of all.

Her life.

With a sigh, he pushed aside those melancholy thoughts and reached out for his glass. Grimacing at the burn of the firey beverage as it made it's way down to his gullet. He loved the warmth he felt from the inside out when drinking firewhiskey.

Milk with cookies was nice but nothing compared to a good firewhiskey or even better, a gold lable McGonagall single malt whiskey with a ginger newt.

Minerva usually left him a bottle and a tin behind the gigantic Christmas tree in the Great Hall. Disillusioned of course.

That thought brought a jolly chuckle that shook his rather rotund belly. He had plans for the esteemed Headmistress of Hogwarts. He'd known her since she was a wee bairn. Watched her grow from inquisitive child to mischievous teen to formidable woman to the esteemed witch that she was today.

He'd watched her struggles and heartaches. Her triumphs and tragedies. He knew her deepest secrets and fondest desires. Things that she would only acknowledge in the earliest hours of the morning. When her dreams were at their most intense. Dreams that were filled with visions of a certain brown eyed witch.

He's seen it all... with the help of his magic crystal snowball.

Knowledge imparted to him years ago by the Winter Warlock in exchange for a toy choo choo train. Sometimes the simplest of gifts can provide a wealth of returns.

You never could tell, especially with Minerva McGonagall.

He remembered during the dark times before the great battle. Christmas that year had been dreary at best. What with Deatheaters openly antagonizing people and generally causing a feeling of hopelessness and fear. He'd been bound and determined to make his deliveries that year. Come hell or high water.

Then the death of Albus Dumbledore had left wizarding Britain frozen in fear. Something had to be done and he knew he was the only one who could do something. So with determination flowing through his veins, he urged his team into action. Unfortunately just outside of Surrey there was a bit of a skirmish that resulted in an emergency stop at Hogwarts.

In exchange for Hagrid looking after a badly wounded Donner and Blitzen, the Headmistress had loaned him a pair of thestrels to lead the team. He'd left Rudolph at home due to the fact that his nose would've made him quite the enticing target.

It had worked brilliantly. He owed McGonagall big time and he always paid his debts. Perhaps it was time to repay the favour.

Taking another sip from his drink, he looked up as the door to The Hog's Head was pulled open with such force that all of the heat in the room seemed to get sucked right out those open doors.

Standing in the doorway gripping the handles so tightly that her hands were turning white was a witch. Rather short, with wildly curling chestnut hair and fire burning in her dark chocolate eyes.

A white eyebrow raised as he recognized Hermione Weasley. Soon to be Granger once again if his information was correct.

And it always was.

Hmmm... his wheels began to turn.

He watched as the small woman gathered herself and marched over to a vacant bar stool. Plopping herself down rather unceremoniously, she growled in a voice that made his white whiskers shiver, "Firewhiskey!"

The older wizard tugged on his long white beard to keep himself from laughing. He'd never seen Aberforth move that fast!

A full glass of the amber coloured liquor was placed in front of the young witch.

And was promptly drained to the dregs.

Slamming the glass down, she ordered, "Another!"

Aberforth eyed the angry looking witch for a moment before cautiously asking, "Wanna talk?"

An icy glare was the only answer he received, so with a shrug he poured her another. Setting it in front of her, he whispered, "Go easy on that deary."

Taking a huge gulp, she snapped back, "Why? Every one knows you water down the whiskey."

Snorting his displeasure at her words, Aberforth grabbed a bottle from the shelf behind the bar and grumbled in his raspy voice, "Fine. Have at it. Drink yourself stupid." He placed the bottle in front of her and walked away shaking his head.

As Aberforth made his way passed the white whiskered wizard he hissed, "Maybe you can talk some sense into her."

Tugging on his long white beard, the man nodded as he rose from his table. His black knee boots clunked on the stained oak floors of the pub as he moved towards Hermione. Finally stopping beside the young witch, he paused eyeing the empty stool beside her.

Aberforth watched for a moment, then ducked out back and shot his patronus, a scraggly looking old goat, off toward the castle with a message for the Headmistress, "Git yer skinny arse down here."

Back inside the pub, the room had become just a tad quieter in that moment as he sat himself down.

Hermione had become aware of the seat next to her suddenly being filled. She glanced over to warn whoever it was off only to have her eyes nearly bug out of her skull as she took in just who was sitting beside her.

"Santa?"

Grinning cheerfully at the young woman, he replied, "Call me Kris." Taking a deep gulp, he finished his own drink off. Eyeing up her bottle, he asked, "May I?"

Hermione was staring at the man next to her for the longest time. Finally she smirked and poured him a drink from the bottle Aberforth had just placed before her.

"Thanks." Kris smiled at her and took a sip from his newly filled glass. Smacking his lips, he let out a satisfied, "Ahhh."

Hermione could not believe that she had just poured a drink for Santa Claus. She glanced over the man. White hair and whiskers. Red jacket and trousers. Black boots and a big belly.

Yup. Santa Claus. Or at least a really good imposter.

"Are you for real?" She grumbled grabbing her glass once again.

A white eyebrow raised, "Are you?"

Hissing, the young asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Kris leaned back a bit and replied, "Well, the Hermione I've come to know would never try and drink her problems away."

Snorting her disdain, the witch in question replied, "She would if she found out that her supposed loving husband had been cheating on her." Taking a drink, she continued, "She would if said infidelity was finally exposed when said witch walked into her own bedroom to find her no good soon to be ex husband shagging some blonde quidditch bimbo in her own marital bed. So Merry Christmas to me. Ho effing ho!"

Another glass was drained to the dregs.

Kris really couldn't respond right away. He sighed and realized that if the situation were reversed and he'd discovered Jessica sleeping with say... Snow Miser, then yes, he would more than likely be doing exactly what she was doing.

Drinking the pain away.

Unfortunately the pain would still be there in the morning.

Unless...

An idea popped into his head. He wondered if Hermione might be receptive to the advances of someone else? Taking a deep breath, he spoke, "You know Hermione, things haven't been all that good between you and Ronald for a while now."

Brown eyes widened in surprise, "How did you..."

A deep chuckle resounded, "It's a long story. Let's just say it involves a snow ball and some magic."

Hermione shook her head, "I have to think of my children. They need stability."

Kris frowned, "Oh and exposing them to the quarrels between you and your husband is stability?" There wasn't a hint of sarcasm in his voice, just tender honesty and that was why Hermione didn't hex him to high heaven.

Santa Claus or not.

Knowing this, Kris smiled and went on, "You deserve better. For you and your children."

Shaking her head, the witch snarked, "Whatever." She poured another measure of liquor into her glass.

Kris sighed saying, "And drinking yourself to oblivion is only going to leave you feeling like six different kinds of shit in the morning.

A burst of laughter exploded from Hermione as she listened to Santa Claus curse. Who'd 've thought?

Smiling, Kris cleared his throat and replied in a sing song voice, "Shit shit shit shit shit and shit!" Grinning he added, "There you have it. Six different kinds of shit."

Taking a drink, the young witch muttered, "You are crazy."

Grinning, he answered with, "And your point is?"

* * *

Minerva McGonagall was sitting in her office drinking tea with none other than Molly Weasley. The red haired witch had just finished telling her what had happened with Ronald and Hermione.

"I swear Minerva. I know I raised that boy right! I just don't know happened, or where I went wrong?" Molly was completely distraught. Her hands trembled as they gripped the delicate tea cup.

The green eyed witch sat silently. The sounds of Rose and Hugo playing in front of the fireplace drew her attention. Leaning forward, she inquired, "Are the children staying with you?"

Nodding, Molly replied, "Hermione asked that Arthur and I watch them till she could sort out her affairs. She left the house to Ronald. Something about staying there would only keep bringing back painful memories and she just didn't want to be reminded of his selfish deeds."

Minerva felt her anger begin to grow at hearing what Ronald had done to Hermione.

HER HERMIONE!

Nostrils flaring, the Headmistress asked, "Where is Ronald now?" She really didn't give a fig about him, but she DID want to know the details.

Molly took a sip of her tea, then replied, "At St. Mungo's." Seeing Minerva's eyebrow raise in silent question, she added, "Hermione hexed his bits so badly that his testicles shrank to the size of peas."

The matriarch of the Weasley clan was not prepared for the howl of laughter that exploded from her long time friend. She waited until Minerva's shoulders stopped shaking from her mirth before saying, "He is my son Minerva. Regardless of how much of an idiot he has become. He is my son and Hermione hexed him."

Minerva sobered quickly as her eyes narrowed, "I would've done much worse. He deserved it in my opinion."

Before Molly could respond, a ghostly old goat appeared before them and growled out, "Git yer skinny arse down here!"

Minerva recognized Aberforth's patronus and realized that he would never summon her unless it was necessary. Standing, she stated. "I believe I am needed at the Hogs Head."

Molly nodded, "Do you want me to come with you?"

Shaking her head, Minerva glanced over at the children, "Take them home. Give them the love they deserve and let them know that BOTH of their parents love them."

A single tear slid down Molly's rounded cheek as she gathered up her grandchildren and used Minerva's fireplace to floo back to the Burrow.

The Headmistress stood in the center of the room watching as the flames returned to their normal colour before she donned her travelling cloak and signature hat and in the blink of an eye, disappeared with a loud crack.

* * *

Hermione was beginning to feel the buzz. It was slowly relaxing her muscles and her mood. She figured having drinks with Santa Claus didn't hurt either. A sudden thought popped into her head, "Why are you here?"

A jolly chuckle from her companion brought a small smile to her lips, "To cheer you up."

"Bull shit."

Another laugh burst from Kris. He was thoroughly enjoying the company of this young witch. Seeing her inquisitive expression, he shrugged and stated, "Fine. After Aberforth took over this place, I started coming here after I finished my run." A twinkle sparkled in his clear blue eyes as he added, "And yes I AM here to cheer you up."

Once a brain always a brain. Even when slowly drinking yourself stupid. Hermione proved just that by asking, "How in the hell do you manage to get all those packages delivered in a single night?"

Taking a sip of his drink, Kris replied, "Hell has nothing to do with it."

Hermione snorted, "Answer the question you old sot."

There was a moment of silence as Kris thought about what to say to her. Finally he decided that she would never settle for anything less than the truth, "Well... magic of course. And time zones." He thought for a moment more before reaching inside his jacket and pulling out a familiar looking golden object, "And this."

Chocolate eyes widened as she gazed at the item he held in his great paw of a hand and exclaimed, "A time turner?"

Large fingers covered her lips as he responded, "Shhhh! Don't give away my secret. I don't think they heard you in London."

Unfazed, she replied, "Wow."

One of the great mysteries of life had just been solved.

And another mystery had just walked through the door as Hermione's gaze fell on none other than Minerva McGonagall.

"Double wow."

A calculating grin crossed the happy face of the jolliest elf of them all. Tugging at his whiskers, he whispered to his companion, "Merry Christmas. I hope this works out for you."

Hermione turned back and saw that the stool next to her was empty. A sad smile crossed her face for just a moment, then she became aware of a presence behind her... And the scent of lavender and heather.

"Is this seat taken?"

A stupid grin enveloped Hermiones' face as she replied, "Not at the moment."

From out of no where Aberforth appeared with a drink for Minerva. Nodding her thanks, she took a sip fully aware that she was being leered at by a beautiful if not slightly drunk former student, "Are you alright?"

"Double wow."

Green eyes widened in confusion, "Excuse me?"

Hermione realized that she was sitting there gaping like an idiot. Shaking her head, she frowned as she replied, "I will be. A very kind gentleman just sat here for the better part of an hour trying to cheer me up."

Green eyes narrowed as a wave of jealous rage washed over her, "Oh? And whom may I ask was that?"

Hermione immediately zoned in on the jealousy that she could see pouring off of her former teacher. She decided that she kinda liked it. Coyly, she replied, "Kris Claus."

"Santa Claus?"

"Yup."

Minerva calmed down a bit as she finally realized just how lit Hermione was. A small smile appeared as she took a sip of her drink. Gathering her courage, she stated, "Molly came to see me. She had the children."

Immediately Hermione's mothering instinct kicked in, "Are they alright? I told Molly I would be by to get them tomorrow. I just..." She paused as she felt Minerva's hand gently clasp her own.

"Everything is fine with the children. She wanted to fill me in on what has happened between you and Ronald."

"Oh." Hermione's expression, her whole being, dimmed tenfold at that one statement.

With a gentle squeeze of her hand, Minerva whispered, "Personally I would have hexed his bits completely away." Seeing the quirk of some of the most lucious lips she had ever laid eyes on, she quietly asked, "Do you have a place to stay?"

Dark eyes filled as Hermione quietly replied, "I have a room in Diagon Alley."

Emerald eyes twinkled as the elder witch stated, "Not anymore. You are staying with me."

Minerva got up from the bar stool and reached into her pocket. Pulling out a hand full of galleons, she tossed them on the bar saying to Hermione, "Let's go."

* * *

Kris Claus stood in the center of McGonagall's private quarters. The room was as elegant as it was welcoming. Just like Minerva herself. That thought brought a smile to his face. Turning to the tiny house elf standing beside him, he asked, "Now Tilly, where would she go first once her day was done?"

The tiny elf blinked large golden eyes up at the wizard dressed all in red fur. Pointing a claw at the Chesterfield in front of the fireplace, the elf replied, "Mistress sits and drinks her teas there."

Rubbing his large hands together Kris replied with a smile, "Excellent."

Tilly watched as the large man reached into his coat's inner pocket and pulled out what looked like an over sized candy cane. The white haired wizard gripped the curved end and silently whispered something as he pointed the straight end up to the celing.

There was a tiny flash of red and green light, then a small sprig of mistletoe appeared above the sofa.

Tilly's golden eyes widened as she realized what the older wizard was up to. She had secret knowledge of just who her mistress would like to be sitting under that mistletoe. She was, after all, Minerva McGonagall's personal house elf and she kept her Mistress's secrets. At least from other witches and wizards.

Shaking her head so vigorously that her ears flapped, the elf emphatically stated rather cryptically, "There's only one Miss that Mistress woulds wants unders thats plant."

Blue eyes twinkled as Santa Claus leaned in and replied with a happy grin, "Oh I know little one." He reached out and gently patted the elf on the shoulder, "I know." He looked around seeing if there was anything else he could do to help with the "mood" of the room.

Grinning as another thought popped into his head, he waved his candy cane wand at the sofa and whispered an incantation that would cause whoever sat on it to immediately feel energized.

Catching on, Tilly snapped clawed fingers and in the bedroom, the duvet and sheets pulled themselves down.

Santa peered into the bedroom, then turned to the elf and said with a grin, "I like your style." With that, he winked at the elf and disappeared with a silent flash.

* * *

Tilly heard noise in the office downstairs. Turning, she scampered out of the door and peeked over the railing to the room below. Her eyes widened as she noted that her Mistress had returned with none other than the special Miss that Minerva had been yearning for.

"Ohs my." She whispered happily popping down to the kitchens with her news. All of the elves at Hogwarts adored their Mistress. They wanted her to be happy and would be glad to know this newest development.

Joyful squeaks and giggles could be heard coming from the kitchen.

* * *

Hermione's eyes were quite droopy as she stood in the office of the Head of Hogwarts. Apparently the liquor was having that effect on the young woman.

Seeing this, Minerva gently grasped the brown eyed witches elbow and said, "Come, I'll show you to your room."

Slowly she led the younger witch up the winding staircase that led to her personal quarters. Once entering, Hermione moved towards the Chesterfield. "I just want to sit for a moment."

Minerva followed the woman and helped her settle down, then moved to sit next to her. She never took her eyes off of the lovely woman so when dark eyes suddenly widened in surprise, she immediately asked, "Alright then?"

Hermione suddenly felt rejuvenated. She felt alive and very aware of just who was now settling beside her, "Double wow."

Feeling the tingling effects of Santa's spell on the sofa, Minerva murmured, "Indeed." She couldn't take her eyes off of the most beautiful woman that she'd ever laid eyes on.

"Indeed."

A tea service suddenly appeared in front of them causing Minerva to whisper her thanks to her faithful elf. She leaned forward and proceeded to pour.

Hermione, in the meantime, sat back and just stared at the woman currently tending to her. For the first time in longer than she cared to remember the young woman allowed long buried feeling to surface. Feelings for the green eyed woman sitting next to her.

"It's only ever really been you."

Startled, Minerva glanced at her companion. Seeing nothing but love shining in those gorgeous chocolate eyes, she smiled and asked, "Then why did you marry Ronald?"

A deep sigh expelled from her very soul as she replied, "I have been asking myself that for a long time. I guess it's because that is what everyone expected?" She hugged herself for a moment and added, "I thought that I could never have who I really wanted. What with the age difference and all."

Minerva nodded, "It would've been...wrong." She watched as those captivating eyes flashed, then she added, "You had only very recently been my student and things were still fresh from the war."

Shaking her head, Hermione said in a disgusted voice, "So I just did the easy thing and married Ron when he asked. So much for Gryffindor courage."

Minerva reached over and took her hand, "It was an emotional time for all of us. The thing is, we cannot go back."

Hermione suddenly grinned as she remembered Santa's secret, "You can if you're Santa Claus."

Minerva nodded and said, "Indeed." She took a deep cleansing breath and stated, "We CAN go forward from this point."

Both of them felt a curious tingling feeling and looked up at the same time.

There it was, magical Mistletoe. And it was growing like crazy. They both knew what that indicated and with tender expressions slowly leaned in and shared a gentle kiss.

Leaning back, Minerva grinned and whispered, "Double wow."

Several more kisses followed.

-fin

* * *

 **AN: Merry Christmas y'all.**


End file.
